Culture and individual families push women to take care of others.
Connection shapes much of women’s childhood (Gilligan, 1990).
“Take care of your brother”, “Help your mother” encourage relationship and
focus on the other. Attending to others is important, as we all live in
connection. However, having a sense of oneself is also critical.
Attending to one’s own yearnings and listening to oneself, not
just others, is a dramatic shift for many women in mid-life. Many feel trapped
in commitments and activities that keep them busy (Polster,
1999). Many feel they lacked choices due to external expectations. Finding a
sense of self BEYOND our family or work excites and terrifies many of us.
As a Psychologist for over twenty years, I have worked with women
who are depressed, lost, or in panic. “My children have left the nest”, “My
husband or partner has passed away or left”, “My job
was eliminated”. “Now what?” “I know what the kids
like, but don’t know what I like!” “Am I selfish if I don’t want to watch
sports?”, “What am I supposed to do?”
These questions can manifest in anxiety, eating disorders, or
feelings of isolation or worthlessness. These questions are part of a bigger
process of women listening to their own voices and valuing themselves and their
own needs. It is a challenge to hear the small quiet voice inside, crying to be
heard above the weight of expectations.
With support, we can find our voice. With support, women can
question, value, reassess, facets of what was, is, and
never will be, and gain more peace. By paying attention to the needs of others
and also her own goals, interests and wishes, a woman’s life can be richer and
more fulfilled for the next third of her life.
References:
Ackerman (2002) Perfect Daughters
Gilligan et al. (1990) Making Connections.
Polster (1999) “Women in Therapy”